Yesterday was Palm Sunday and that marked the beginning of Holy Week for most Christian churches. Holy Week is truly the holiest and most emotional time for Christians because you experience the last days of Christ’s life as a mortal. Because of this, the religious flock to church for services throughout the week and Roman Catholics attend confession to enter Easter with a clear and reborn conscience.
So, with that said, I have a confession of my own: I am a big fat sinner!
Growing up, the 10 Commandments seemed pretty darned straightforward and easy to follow and there were only 10 of them. How hard could that be? They basically boiled down to two things:
- Worship God
- Don’t hurt each other
As the daughter of an Anglican priest, I went to church every Sunday and most Wednesday with my parents and then every Friday with my school class. I also said my prayers every night so the whole section about honoring God? Big fat check!
Then, there’s the whole “don’t hurt others” part. Well, as a kid, that’s not terribly hard. I mean, yeah kids can be mean, but when I was a kid, we didn’t have social media and cell phones weren’t even around so it was all pretty tame in comparison to now. Honoring your parents was expected, back-talking was not an option (at least not in my house) so the only one you had to really worry about was the lying one and being envious (aka coveting). Of course, there was the occasional stolen pencil, but that didn’t really count. So following the 10 Commandments was a pretty easy game when you’re a child and things are simpler.
Then adulthood hits you and things go from black and white to shades of gray (and no, I don’t mean the book). On the surface, you can look at the literal wording of the 10 Commandments and say, “Nope, haven’t done that…I’m still good,” but deep down you know you haven’t been all that pure and awesome.
So how do you deal? Well, when I was in my early 20s ( I define this as my “wild and reckless” time), I would go to the communal penance services at my church. They were held before Christmas and Easter each year. For the first few years, I did not really pay attention. I zoned out and thought about work or school or what I was doing next so I didn’t even listen to the priest. I mean, how bad is that? You go for communal penance, kneel in a pew to ask for the forgiveness and don’t even think about it? WOW…
Anyway, I digress…So, one year, I went and this time, I actually listened…didn’t just hear but really listened. To help people call to mind their sins (because no one actually keeps of list of all their screw ups), the priest read from the “Examination of Conscience.” OH MY GOD…
After hearing all of the different ways you can break the commandments, I was stunned. It was like a check list where you find yourself answering to yourself, “Yep…Yep…Yep…uhhh yeah…that too….oh crap, that one too…darnit, I just cursed so that one too!” By the time you make it to the 10th commandment, if you’re not already curled in a ball in the corner, you’re pretty convinced you’re the conductor on the fast train to Hell. It’s positively awful, yet supremely brilliant.
What better way to do away with the shades of gray (stop thinking of the book) than by eliminating all the loopholes? I’m the world’s worst about this…I started looking for loopholes when I stopped attending Mass regularly. I would justify it by saying I had banked up a TON of extra Mass days from when I was growing up. (Remember all of those Masses I attended in school and then went with my parents…BAM - Loophole!). I would tell myself that it was ok because I had gone SO much when I was a kid, that I didn’t need to go now.
Ok, so typing that doesn’t sound nearly as good as the reasoning I had in my head, but moving on…
So key take-away: the Examination of Conscience is scary has heck. I am still terrified to Google it because it makes me feel so bad. It forces me to acknowledge that I have done some terrible things that have hurt both me and God. I don’t like acknowledging those things. I like to try and forget them, but then I look at that Examination of Conscience and they come flooding back so that I become convinced that I am going to be singing “The Wheels on the Hell Bus” one day. It’s such a scary and horrifying experience, but it doesn’t have to be.
So often, we all try and convince ourselves and all of those around us that we have these perfect lives and that we are perfect people; that our flaws are few and failures are non-existent. We hide behind technology and fake smiles hoping that one day we will actually believe our own stories; yet knowing we never will. We strive to believe that things are still black and white and that grays do not exist. The fact of the matter is, inside each of us, we know our faults even if we cannot admit them to ourselves. Because if we admit them, then they become very real and we see an ugliness that we fear will never leave. Again, we are wrong.
It’s taken me a long time to come to grips with some of the things I have done that I am ashamed of. I still have trouble forgiving myself because they feel so far off my personal norm that they are beyond forgiving. So, I find myself in confession every now and again confessing some of the same things. I almost want to print out an Examination of Conscience, circle what I have done and just give it to the priest and say, "there you go. What's it gonna take? The whole rosary 50 times?" Seems like it would be easier, but I don’t because I have to keep saying the sins. The last priest I confessed to seemed to understand that I had said the same things before. Maybe it sounded too scripted or maybe I didn’t sound contrite…who knows. At any rate, he called me out and I told him that yes, I had confessed these before. He told me something so simplistic that I will never forget…he said, “God forgave you a long time ago. It’s time you forgive yourself.” I asked him if it really was that simple and he said it was..God WANTS to forgive. He WANTS us to do better. He WANTS us to try harder, but it’s hard to do better when you can’t let go of things He already forgave us for so we just continue to punish ourselves.
This resonated strongly with me. I still have trouble forgiving myself for some of my actions, but others I have come to accept as failures that I am trying to do better on.
So in the spirit of total disclosure here is a list of my recent sins (using the Examination of Conscience as my guide):
1. I still sometimes despair about my salvation (who knew this was a sin?)
2. I’m still superstitious and still kind of believe in good and bad luck (especially when playing Yahtzee!)
3. Used the name of God in vain (i.e. OMG, Geez, Jesus H. Christ)
4. Used curse words
5. Been snarky to others
6. Failed to attend Mass regularly (this is my biggest one and the one that hurts the most)
7. Knowingly ate meat on a Friday in Lent
8. Overeaten
9. Lost my temper
10. Argued with someone
11. Lied
12. Gossiped
These are the sins I will be confessing this week. They are the ones I wish forgiveness of because I know they are wrong and that they displease God.
I am determined to make it to Holy Week services this week and I will make it to confession.
I am sure I will stumble again and sin again because I am human and I will make mistakes, but at least I can be assured that I am truly trying and that things can be simple again. Things can still be right and wrong and there can be some shades of gray, but things don’t have to be overwhelming. You just have to keep trying to be better.
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